I’m typing this with tearstained cheeks, red eyes and an overwhelming sense of disappointment. I’ve just failed another driving test, and so I’m trying to climb out of my usual post-test pity parade. It features pasta, the sofa and an awful but satisfying chick flick. Maybe some crying to my mum on the phone. Undoubtedly chocolate. Definitely wine, but only once my stress headache eases off.
Drama queen, me? Nah, just gutted. Throughout my life, I’ve always had to write down my inner musings in order to make sense of them. So friends, here’s the tale of the mountain I can’t seem to summit.
I’m learning to drive at the grand old age of 26 and I won’t lie: it’s horrible. This was my fourth failed test, and each one has been an absolute sh*tshow.
Why I Waited
You might be wondering why I’m only tackling this now, in my late twenties. I actually took about 20 driving lessons back when I was 18. My dad very generously bought me a block of ten lessons for my 18th birthday, and I remember bursting into tears when I opened the envelope. I was mortified that he’d spent all that money on me, and even more gutted because I knew I was going to let him down. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it.
You see, I’ve never actually wanted to be a driver.
Let me explain. I grew up on the Isle of Man. For the first eighteen years of my life, everywhere I ever needed to be was a 20 minute walk away. The sea was at the bottom of my road (not that I ever needed to be in the sea), my best friend lived around the corner, and most of the jobs I had as a teenager were a saunter into ‘town’ (a row of shops) or, at a push, a quick bus journey away. What did I need a car for?
I abandoned driving lessons, partly because I was moving to Scotland for uni and partly because I just wasn’t interested.
Over the next six or so years of my life, I lived in Edinburgh, New York and then Dubai. All of those places are either very compact (ah Edinburgh, I miss your cobbled streets!), or had super straightforward public transport links. I spent a lot of time on the Metro in Dubai, and even if I was able to drive while I lived there, I wouldn’t have dared face the 12 lanes of aggressive traffic on SZR. Nope, the metro life suited me fine.
Why I Started Driving Lessons Again In My Late Twenties
But now I live in North East England. It’s a 40 minute walk into town and a 20 minute walk to the closest metro – and that isn’t always reliable.
My first job in the North East required me to journey for two hours each way on various forms of public transport. I stuck at it for almost a year, but that commute made me absolutely miserable. If you’re wondering why I couldn’t just hack it like everybody else, please refer back to my previous point: I grew up on an island, and an upbringing like that ruins you for life. I still forget, when I make plans, how much of a mission it will be to get there.
In comparison to my two hour ordeal on the bus and metro, my journey would have taken about half an hour – had I been able to drive. I realised that if I was going to be happy in the North East, I was going to have to get my license. After all, I’m self-employed so time is money – and I’m wasting far too much time sitting on public transport.
After a little hiatus in Dubai, I moved back to Sunderland and, determined to make life here work, I started driving lessons, aged 26. Surprisingly, I actually really enjoyed them – but I have an excellent instructor. If anybody in Sunderland needs a recommendation, hit me up. Aside from a few instances near the beginning when I got cocky and my instructor had to slam on the breaks, I’ve actually taken to driving. I’ll never forget the time I turned to my him and exclaimed, ‘I feel like a proper driver!”
Test Day Nerves
Then I booked a test. It was absolutely tragic.
I’ve never experienced such an overwhelming physical reaction to stress, but as soon as a driving test begins, it’s like I’ve never even been in a car before. I tremble, I overheat, I mess up, and then I start crying. I’ve had tests with only four minors but a few major fails, and I’ve had tests with zero majors but twenty – yes TWENTY minors. There’s no method to my driving-related madness, so I don’t know which bit to work harder at.
I’ve popped Kalms, tried positive affirmations (just felt stupid) and even did a 20 minute mediation video before today’s test. Still freaked out. Still failed.
Knowing My Strengths (And Running Away From My Weaknesses)
Driving isn’t a skill that comes easily to me, much like anything that requires me to coordinate my limbs and brain. The trouble is that I usually just avoid anything that I’m not naturally good at, because being bad at stuff feels crap, doesn’t it? It’s the reason I don’t do sports, it’s why I skipped all my Maths lessons at school and I would never attempt a marathon. So having to re-book these dreaded tests and get myself ready for them again and again is killing me a little bit. Who needs to be constantly reminded about how bad they are at something?
I was always one of those jammy students who did well in exams, but taking a driving test is very different to sitting a written assessment. I breezed the theory test, but I go to pieces every time an examiner sits down next to me in a vehicle. We all have our Everests in life, and driving is mine.
I’m just not a natural driver – and that knowledge makes it very hard to channel Beyonce-levels of confidence on Test Day.
One of the things that really put the fear into me, was shortly after I got my head around the manoeuvres. I naively thought – and I can laugh wildly about this now – that I had it all dialled. I thought there was nothing left to learn. And then someone told me, as if it was a positive thing, “You don’t really learn to drive until after you pass.”
Oh my god, that threw me. I hadn’t considered, until that moment, that the battle wouldn’t be over if (when) I passed. It hit me that I’d still have to struggle, to make mistakes that could potentially kill me or someone else (does nobody else find that effing terrifying? That one wrong move behind the wheel could quite literally be devastating?) I just about had enough energy to get through the test, so the idea that I’ll still have to keep slogging at it once I have the license in my purse is really off-putting. When will this hell end?
Confidence Lessons
What I’ve realised recently is that the problem isn’t really in my driving skills (although I’m by no means a strong driver). The issue really lies in my confidence in myself. It’s very difficult to suddenly start believing that you’re capable of something that you always assumed you couldn’t do. And then there’s the fact that when it comes down to it, I don’t actually want to drive. In typically stubborn fashion, I resent having to learn just because the place I live isn’t set up for non-drivers and I hate that I have to put myself through the torture of constantly failing tests.
The fact that I don’t actually have any interest in driving is completely at odds with the fact I KNOW I need to do it. I know I need to pass. It would open so many doors for me, professionally and in terms of everyday convenience. At the moment, I rely heavily on my fiancé to pick up my parcels, give me lifts and generally do the driving when we go anywhere, and even though he happily slips into the driver’s seat, I hate that I can’t pull my weight.
I know I’m really going to have to focus on changing my mindset. I need to remind myself exactly why I’m putting myself through this horrendous ordeal, and keep referring to all the cool stuff I’ll be able to do once I’ve passed (US road trips! Driving down to Cornwall! Nipping to Asda on my own!) The possibilities are endless.
At this point, all I want to do is give up. To accept that I’ll never be a driver, and just get on with life in England as best I can – missing out on stuff I can’t get to, annoying the hell out of Tom and feeling crap about my own inadequacy. But I know I couldn’t live with myself. I’ve invested too much time, energy (crying is exhausting, let me tell you), and WAY too much money to walk away now. No, I’ve got to tell myself I can do it, remind myself WHY and try again.
Wish me luck. And to anyone else struggling with this – I really have no words of advice. Just keep going?
Melis says
I really feel your pain and found it so hard as well. I know this is going to sound annoying when you’ve worked hard to do things to overcome the stress but I only passed once I stopped focusing everything on it in the buildup and have talked to other people who found the same. For my first two tests I would stay in for the nights before and then really psyched myself up on the day. I failed twice (majorly, as well as loads of minors!) For my last test on a Monday I kinda gave up the hope of passing any more so went out and drinking and dancing with my friends on the Saturday. I think the reason I passed was I had stopped trying to force myself to relax and be confident and it worked out. I still got loads of minors and I am still not totally confident at driving but you’re right it does open up so many doors. Just get the next one booked, try and distract yourself the night before – even book it for just after you’ve been on a trip so you don’t have time to dwell on it maybe? You clearly have the skills it’s just the stress and I totally get it. Wishing you the best of luck for next time!
Em (@_EmilyLW) says
I know it seems impossible now but stick at it and you will get there! It took me three attempts and my mum didn’t pass until she was 50 (we took our theories together aha) because she gave up early on, but 26 isn’t too old and you’re not a failure! Do you think it’d help if you had your instructor in the back of the car or would that put you off? I don’t think they’re allowed to talk to you but they’re allowed to be there if you’d find it easier. Other than that trying to pretend you’re on another lesson and not a test might help
Good luck! X
Samantha Rickelton says
No advice Dannielle but I can’t imagine how you’re going to feel when you do pass. And I know you will pass. xxx
Gaby says
It sounds like you just need to keep practicing the test part, you know the theory you just need your instructor/parents/fiancé/random stranger to get into the passenger seat and pretend it’s a real test from the get go – I mean full on role play and keep doing that over and over (maybe not with random strangers on second thoughts).
You may not want to drive really but you will love it when you can – I wasn’t that keen on driving growing up in London and having more than enough tubes and buses but when I passed oh the independence was amazing – just knowing I could escape to wherever I wanted whenever I wanted. It’s a great feeling (I even (god forbid) enjoy driving up SZR nowadays) and those feelings really outweigh the awareness that you are in a powerful machine that could hurt yourself or someone else – as long as you have that awareness (which since you’re petrified of that you’ll definitely have) – you’ll be fine.
Chin up – you’ll get there, just keep practicing the test – I’m sure you can get plenty of tips on how to pretend to be an examiner for anyone who’s up for helping you!
Good luck.
Tasha says
You will get there. I know you will. I’m sorry you didn’t pass today and I appreciate its frustrating – it took me a few attempts too and everyone deals with the test situation differently.
Keep your chin up!
Jane drinkwater says
Hi , my son took 5 attempts to pass his test, he was the easiest of my kids to sit in with , I remember being much more nervous with my 2 girls! But he could nt pass the test, he just had to put in for another one straight away after each failure and he did it eventually! Keep going, it’s so worth it in the end! Good luck for next time 🙂
Angie Silver says
Honestly, I could have almost written this exact post myself years ago when I was attempting my driving test. I was 18 when I did it but it took six times to actually pass and each failure, like you was a crushing sense of disappointment. I’d always been good at school and not used to failing stuff so like you say, it make the blow even harder! I eventually did pass though (which I didn’t quite believe) and I truly did feel like I’d climbed my Everest. You’ll do it too lovely!
newgirlintoon says
THIS IS LITERALLY ME!!! We have an identical driving story! My Mum made me start lessons when I was 17 and I really really didn’t want to do it at all, so I took the lessons and it was so awful I never even made it to the point of being able to take my test. I then quit with the whole idea until I was ready. I think i was about 24 ish when I decided that I wanted to learn to drive.
I found it SO difficult. For whatever reason me and driving just aren’t a natural fit. I struggled so much with reversing, my brain must be wired differently to other people cos I just couldn’t work out which way the back of the car would move if I turned the wheel. It sounds so stupid but it threw me every time. It took me forever to get to the point of being able to take my test but I finally got there.
OMG my tests! I’ve lost track of how many times, I think we all did! It was possibly 5 and it may have even been 6 but I am (shamefully) the long running family joke (my Dad even mentioned my driving in his speech at my wedding). One test I was so terrified my leg was shaking so hard i couldn’t get a proper grip on the gas pedal and each time I failed I would go home and cry and swear to myself I would never put myself through that ever again.
I got there in the end, and OMG it was my proudest moment. To win at something that doesn’t come naturally to you is just the best feeling and I’m so glad i stuck with it.
Unfortunately at the moment I feel like I’m back at square one! When I moved to London I sold my car and had no need to drive, so when I moved to the North East I hadn’t been behind the wheel for years. i’ve now lost all my confidence so Simon has to drive me about everywhere or, like you, I rely on public transport. Literally as I type this I’m thinking to myself i need to go and ask him if i can have a lift to Whitley Bay this morning – if he drives me it’ll take 20 minutes, if I get the bus/metro it’ll take me about 1.5 – 2 hours! It’s ridiculous and i need to get back behind the wheel!
Sorry this is LONG! I’ll wrap up now .. just stick with it lovely, you need your independence and you will get there …. now if someone could give me a stern talking to so I get back behind the wheel that’d be great!
Away With Maja says
Hang in there! I’ve been driving for 10 (!) years, but after moving to the UK I have struggled so much and have yet to take my test and get a full license here. There are lots of things that I learned to do to pass my first driving test, and haven’t done once since then, and I’m terrified to try to re-learn them! Like you, my major issue is confidence. I do actually know how to drive, I am a good driver, but I tend to turn into a mess once I get behind the wheel (and on the wrong side of the road for me). I’m glad to know that other people struggle with the confidence as well (although obviously I wish you’d have passed!). I can only say that you’re amazing for persevering, and that it will come in time when it’s meant to be! 🙂
chloedickenson says
I can totally and utterly resonate with this post, Dannielle. I was exactly the same when I stepped into the driver’s seat to take my test. On my first one, I had a panic attack in the middle of the road and literally could not move the vehicle for a good 5 minutes. Thankfully, my second one went much smoother and I did actually pass but that fear of driving with an examiner in the car is a feeling I’ll never forget. I really don’t have any words of wisdom; I just knew that even if I kept failing, one day I knew I’d pass. I know just how disheartening it can be but I have every faith in you that you will eventually do it and when you do, that proud feeling will be more immense than any fear of driving! xx
Barefoot Backpacker says
Me. Simply me.
I grew up in places with good puublic transport links (and furthered it by living in places with bad traffic!), so learning to drive was never on my radar. I took lessons in my mid-20s only because I was dating someone who lived about 35 miles from me (ironically years later I ended up moving much closer to where she lived, due to my job, but yeh …), but when we broke up I kind of lost interest. Not that I ever had much of an interest in the first place, mind.
And never went back to learning. So I still can’t.
But the main reason I never went back is something you too say:
“That one wrong move behind the wheel could quite literally be devastating”.
My problem is I lack spacial awareness and distance judgment. On one of my lessons I looked in my mirror, pulled out from the side of the road … and nearly hit a car in the other lane coming up behind me. Driving is one of those things (like swimming, and riding a bike) that seems remarkably simple but I personally will just never ‘click’ with. And it’s maybe safer that way.
So, yeh, I have no words of wisdom for you, no personal experiences of hope, but Good Luck anyway 🙂
lastyearsgirl says
Oh, Dannielle. I could have written this myself. I don’t know if it’ll make you feel worse to know that I’m 36 and have failed my practical test 10 times (for the last time, the day before I turned 30, which I was SO SURE would be the one as I had it on my 30 before 30 list) or make you feel less alone. Sigh. I’ve started thinking about it again, partly because most of the most beautiful bits of Scotland are hardly public transport accessible and I’d love the freedom to take day trips with my husband – and also, don’t laugh, because I have my own wee driveway that isn’t getting used. Plus, the amount of money I’ve chucked at it over the years is depressing to think about as a permanently sunk cost.
Amazed you managed to live in Dubai on public transport though, where my sister lives there’s nothing! She’s bloody fearless though and has never let the minimum speed limits on SZR faze her.
I really, really hope you get there. Maybe it means I will some day, too.
Lis / last year’s girl x